People are complicated.

I learned how to convince most people that I knew how to appropriately interact with them. Emphasis on the word convince.

Social skills, small tangible tricks of words and tone. I saw first-hand how truly rare a person who executes rationality and literal communication can be. People communicate subjectively and operate on the emotional level and I had to figure out what I had to do to keep them from getting upset with me, because it seemed that others being upset with me bothered me to a greater extent than it did my coworkers, or at least they knew how to make it look like it wasn't a big deal to them.

I used to get panic attacks because I was convinced I knew how to deal with a situation, I would tell myself "they SHOULD be reacting in a certain way when I do this thing" yet it was not always the case, people were not cut and dry they came with a history, they came with baggage, presuppositions, prejudice, different perspectives, cultural assumptions. All these things confounded me and were the wall that prevented me from understanding how to act. Because if I ignored all that, like I used to when I didn't know these things existed, I was told I appeared callous, arrogant, a bitch, intolerable. I had NO idea why. I feel I had to figure it out the hard way. I saw others knowing how to talk to strangers, sell them a car, etc. I asked them how they did it, hoping there was some sort of yes/no flowchart I could create from what they do. Like a robot would. But that was not the case, most my life it had never occurred to me to take peoples FEELINGS into account when speaking with them, when trying to convince them, because I never operated this way, no one ever told me others operated this way and I assumed if I could understand logic, than anyone could. Was I smarter than them for picking it up quicker? Was I emotionally dumber than them for never picking up the importance people put in feelings?

I still have great unease when I am asked a subjective question and answer it with an objective question, when they are not satisfied with this and ask for a subjective answer I will say "I don't know" but sometimes they will ask or my personal opinion, and I feel that is inappropriate. I represent a company, not myself. It should not matter what my favorite is, everything offered is of acceptable quality and safe. People sometimes demand personal-ness and that is when I feel most uncomfortable in public. I feel like they are literally trying to get under my skin. This person, who is a complete stranger to me. I have been told by strangers, they tell me their name and proclaim that equated knowing them and I need not feel so uncomfortable. I am not sure if this is a manipulation tactic they use or if they genuinely believe this, but I find it absurd.

People will get mad at me when I do not respond they way they want me to, and then make personal attacks to me. I certainly do feel emotions but they mostly don't make sense to me so I ignore them and try not to let them make my decisions.

I get tired actively thinking of what to say next and remembering the right tone of voice. Especially when they do not follow the protocol, or do not wait for me to guide them through the process. I can't be myself, I can't be critical of their behavior, I can't ask them why they prefer yellow cheese over cheddar, even though they are the same thing.

I prefer literalism, specificity, objective descriptions, they are simpler.

People, are complicated.